Insecurity - it's that thing you are shrinking from

Society has only shown us what we are not able to do, what we cannot have, who we are not. It has yet to tell us exactly just how kick ass we each and all are

Fear. It is the greatest crippling thing in the world. Fear makes us think and assume and ultimately do things that we otherwise would balk at. Fear makes us think that we are not as awesome as we truly are. Fear makes us say things that hurt other people. Fear makes us become the thing that we cannot stand, and the one thing that no one can stand is being afraid. This tangible world has us all believing that no matter how good we think we are, that there is always someone who is going to be better than we are. While this is the truth it is not a truth that needs to be heard or said by anyone at all. While it is the truth, what is also the truth is that there is not one other person on this planet who is just like you are. You are an original. You are mighty and powerful in your own right and in your Soul you are like anyone else is - brilliant.

Yet, you want to believe what you have been told that you are. You want to believe that you are as stupid as you have been told that you are. You want to believe that you are not beautiful. You want to believe that you are a liar. You want to believe that you are a cheater. You want to believe that you are not awesome. I am here to tell you that you are very well quite awesome.

Most folks are too scared to see that there is the off chance that we each might be absolutely bad ass. Think about that for a minute. When we are told by anyone at all that we are not possessed with certain ways of being, that we do not look as good as this person does when they wear a certain color, that we are not as smart as someone else is when said person is doing what they do best, that no matter what or who we are, that we are not the greatest version of ourselves that we can be.

That sucks.

Knock your crap off. Do you not realize that when you think the way that other people manipulated you into believing that you are giving your power and control of who you are away? Are you not aware that while you might not be the ideal of one person's preference, that you might be exactly what a whole gang of fools might actually be all about? No one ever thinks past the last horrible thing that they were told, and what they were told is probably a lie, is just the thing that a person who has manipulated you into believing otherwise than that you are bad ass and awesome. 

If you feel threatened by someone else's presence, that is not the someone else's thing to deal with. They were just being their damned selves, and it is not their fault that they have grown out of the idea that anyone should have to prove that they are worthy, yes, even you. If you feel intimidated by someone else, for whatever reason, that is on you, because it is not the other person doing anything other than being who they are and being who they are for all the right reasons. And no, none of the right reasons are or even sound like "to bug you." That is such an egotistical stance to take, namely when it comes to someone else, who they are, what they do, that they are loved by many. You can have this, too, but you have to stop believing what it is that you keep telling yourself that someone else told you.

Yes, I know, a lot of people lied to you, and you trusted a lot of people, and all those people ended up being less than pure and honest with you. So what? What about you? Why are you so worried about what you assume other people are thinking about you, and more, you don't realize it but when you decide to feel threatened by other people, decide that someone is intimidating, you are judging them, harshly even, and I know this is the truth because I have been on both sides of that ball court and lemme tell you this much - it is NOT worth it. 

It is not worth all the pain, all the emotional crap that you are going to not only put yourself through, but everyone else, too, and you will put them through it all for an assumption. I go through it a LOT, more than I think I deserve to, and it is because for some odd, weird reason, I happen to be yet another human being on the face of the planet. In fact, there are many of us here, and we are all here NOT to make anyone feel like they are going to lose anything to us, not to make anyone believe that they are going to have to live up to who anyone else is, not, not, NOT for all the silly reasons that anyone else would assume, and then choose to hate on, another person.

Just because someone else looks another way, or is more intellectually inclined than another person, it is not permission to be an ass hat and make the lives of the people in our lives miserable by making it seem as though anyone has to live up to anyone else at all. When we put the weight of our own fear and our own insecurities on other people so that they can bear the weight of our pain and we end up hurt, this is the point at which we need to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves and not only ourselves, but other people, too. This is the funny thing, here, guys - we all have to accept that there are other people on this planet, and we all have to get used to the idea that there are going to be a lot of people who will not change who they are for lil' ole us.

Lil' ole us has to realize that we are not the only people here, that people who we share a closeness with also have other people in their lives and those people are there to share with the world who they are, and you are part of the world, meaning that those who would be welcoming like this would probably not be as bad as one might want to believe they are. The thing is, when someone thinks that they have anything or anyone to live up to, it is time, at that point, to think past who we think we are and who we have been told we are and just be who we really are. 

You might surprise yourself. You might actually like you. In fact, the people who you might have seen as a danger to your soul may actually be ones who will cause you to want to meet someone you have never really met before, and that means that you cannot possibly know them.

That someone is You, silly....

Stop assuming that you are in danger or threatened by that which and who is not you. You are just as special as anyone would be, and you have a lot to offer the world, just as much as anyone would. You should also stop letting those damned ear gremlins into your brain...they are in there messing with your mind and making you think things that you know are not true, and even if they were true, you cannot change what has happened, can't change other people.

You can only pull your head out of your ass and realize that the reason things seemed so dark and shitty was because you had your head up your ass....

Duh...

Somethings never change...thank the Goddess that we humans were born equipped to evolve at our own pace...

Stop being afraid of what you cannot control, and stop feeling threatened or minimized by people who you don't care to even want to know. 

They may very well be exactly what you need.
How will you find that out if you keep on assuming that they feel about you the way that you presently do?

Good question, right?

Be You...and not this ...meh...version of You.

You are not a shrinking violet and you never were.

Come out of the darkness and see the Light...it's nice on this side...

Don't be afraid. Slide on into the evolution that is You.
I promise, this side of the velvet rope isn't so bad once you realize that it was put there to keep others out of YOUR happy place and not the other way around...

Yeesh !

I LOVE YOU ALL !
ROX

Unfinished Business

Like a sink full of dirty dishes...

I hate washing dishes. I hate it. I have been the one person who has had to wash dishes from the time that I was an 8 year old kid, and to this day I am still the one who washes the damned dishes because the truth isn't that I am great at it, neither that it is just "my" chore, but more along the line of thought that is my not being able to trust other peoples' "good job" at cleaning up the mess when the eatin' is finished. 

There are days we all have when we are just too tired to do what we are supposed to do. After a while, that which we were supposed to do starts to pile up on the inside, and after a while we feel heavy in the Soul. It is at that time we know that we have to do some soul searching, have to go within and clean up the mess that is there. We have to go inside of our Selves and see where it is that we ignored the pain we caused someone else and of course, that someone else caused us. While we were clueless to the pain we didn't know we caused, we have the ache within that is the person who we unwittingly hurt there, in that energy where we are not sure how to deal with it. Dealing with the pain and the garbage that has been left behind by any one event, or even if we hang on to the idea that it was brought to us through someone else, the truth is that what is there now is ours alone to deal with. 

Our lives are very messy emotionally, spiritually, and all the time we are being sent messages and clues from the ether, messages and secrets that are not directly being told to us by others, and in those energies are the things that we collect and hang onto for dear life. When we hang on to the things that hurt us so that we can, rather than deal with it and work through it and get through it, continue to siphon the energies of others so that we may be able to still blame someone else for how we feel is when we also need to think about clearing our own emotional drain, because in truth, it has become clogged to the point where nothing can clear out the way that it is meant to.

The energy of Now is that of finishing up anything that can be thought of as "unfinished business," but it is not the sort that is outside of us. It is within. We can no longer just sit and wait for time to pass by, thinking that what we are doing and who we are is up to someone else to take care of. My own students of Spirit know, well ahead of time, that when I let them know that now is the time for this, that or the other, that there is no time to waste because my thought and my teachings are the sort which require being done in a timely manner, and you can sit there and snicker, but when we are talking about the clearing out of the broken pieces of the past, and all we can do is sit there and look at what cut us to the bones of our souls and see there the evidence that we have been hurt and we bother to do nothing and do not even acknowledge that there is still some work to do, we are taking away from ourselves a whole lot, but the one thing that we take away is our own power. 

This is what I mean when I tell my students that there is no one who is in charge of them but them. Some of them, even without their saying so, are still in the mind set that the teacher is who is in the lead. The truth is that I am never in the lead, am never the one who is doing the work, and am only the one who, when the need arises, points out things that I know these lovely people will not see because it is not yet, at that time, part of their way of thinking. The one thing that they all know is that I will not do the work for them, that I will never tell them what it is that I know that they need to learn or at least to try to figure out, and while it frustrates some of them that this is how I help them to learn, it is, indeed, the only true way to learn - through living in the truth that they are trying to create for themselves.

During the time that they are learning, however, there is always something that calls their attention away from what they are learning, and normally it is something that calls them away for a good enough reason, and always that reason is some sort of unfinished business. Unfinished business can be thought of as many things, but the one thing that it will not and cannot ever be thought of is someone else's to deal with. Now, I am not saying that if you need to see a shrink that you can handle things on your own and to not go and see one - not at all! In fact, that you know you need to see one is the best example of what I mean by finishing up what needs to be finished. I did it. I saw a therapist when the time came and I accepted that I could not sort out all the pain from my own hanging on to the past. I did it. You can do it. We are all able to know when we need help.

We cannot leave things left open and festering. Like a sink filled with dirty dishes with goopy, nasty stuff on them that has congealed and is now fodder for every housefly in existence, our souls sometimes need to be cleansed of the weight of things not finished yet. People have heard me say that "things are not yet pau hana," meaning that the things that someone is working on that is theirs to work on and to learn to use to their own best advantage are not finished being worked on, honed, or, sometimes, let go of. We have to let go of the pain of the past. If we don't, it sticks with us and weighs us down from the Soul, out, and then what is there begins to bleed out onto everyone within our energy field. When that happens and people are not to inclined to want to hang with us, we can either be ass hurt by their resistance, or we can take what they tell us and use it to Spiritually clean our houses. 

We are the Temple, are the keeper of the flame within. It does not take a whole lot to get dirty, even though it takes a whole lot for us to be able to accept that what we hang on to that is hurting us still is what we need to be made free from, is what we need to purge from ourselves, even if it means that we have to cry some, means we have to rage in private, means that we have to do whatever it is that we know we should so that we can ultimately be free from the pain that we ourselves administer. It is not easy, cleaning up our messes, because we all believe that the messes were placed there by someone else when really, they were merely who pointed out that we have one at all.

We cannot and should not ever depend on others to clean for us, because we know that we cannot and could not do for them what they can do for themselves. It is not our Kuleana to try to make things right in someone else's life. That is their mess. 

You have your own

Clean up your Self, then go out into your world and tell others that they can also clean up theirs. You can tell them that you were able to do it, that yes, it was, at times, very harrowing.

But look at you now....you shine brighter than you did just a little while ago.

You began to realize that no one else would clean up your mess.

Niiiice ! 

I Love You All
ROX 

The Climb up to the top only looks too hard

We can only grow from here, but it will hurt

I did a lot of soul searching this past weekend, because I have avoided doing so for a long time now. I have neglected that which needs my attention, and I find that the thing that needs my attention the most is my very self. By this I mean that collectively we are all hurting but it is because we are holding on to that pain, holding on to the things that make us soul sick and holding on to what was because we are too scared to see what is real in this moment.

What is real in this moment is our fear. People who have hurt for long periods of time remain in that energy because of one thing and one thing only - because it is familiar to us, and I have to repeat myself again when I say that humans are strange in that we all would rather choose what is familiar but uncomfortable and what we recognize as our reality versus reaching out to Spirit and asking Her to please guide into the evolved Selves that we are growing to be and to become. We are so worried about what has happened to us that we are too afraid to climb to the top of the mountains that were once our molehills and where we are now is stuck somewhere in the interim where our past looks okay to have to run back to because right Now is not any less painful and the mountain that we must climb toward the healing we so seek seems such a daunting thing that we would rather go backwards than we would climb further. 

Right now there is a collective ache, a thought which permeates the Universal climes that we are all floundering in the sea called "Not forgiving our selves of our sinfulness," and it is the pain that we ache from that is no longer here and in the real that is much more harsh on us than is the idea that we have the option to grow and become all who we are meant to, all that we need to, all that we really know we are. Change is scary. I know change. It is not a nice entity, but it is a needed one, namely when we are trying hard to let go of things and ways of being and when we are trying to grow into who we are no longer. Who we are no longer is this pained being who needs salvation from something outside of ourselves. 

And speaking of "outside of ourselves," there is the question of those who are refusing to evolve, who want us to know that they hurt and they believe that it is because of us that they hurt. It is no one's business or responsibility to carry the pain of someone else's hurt, not now, most certainly not  forever. Just because that is how it went in the past, it does not make it so in the now. That's right- I said it, now deal with the fact that other people are not meant to carry our hurt, are not meant to continue to carry the things that not even we want to carry, even as what is ours we should willingly carry. I have been there, and I have done that, and that is not the thing that will help heal anyone. The moment that a person can deal with their pain, own it, change it and then release it is the moment that we find Paradise we all seek. 

It is these people, the very ones who tell us that we are forgiven who also are not willing to relieve themselves of the pain that they themselves are choosing to hang onto. There are some people who cannot and will not accept their own pain, that is their own cause, and if anyone reading this believes these words to be horribly cruel, I am inclined to remind anyone who is playing "poor me" at this moment that you will continue to play that same game and sing that very same song the longer that you choose not to grow. Growing is not easy, and the growing pains are real, are there and are meant to show us, tangibly, what it is that we are no longer in need of. Yet, you stay there, in your crucified state of being, sacrificing who you really are, all so that other people will pay attention to your sad story.

I know that deep emptiness, that feeling that no one will love you if it is not the way that you yourself cannot Love You. This is the Truth. We each and all have to Love our Selves. If We each and all are not Loving our very selves, what chance have we at being able to truly Love another without still being the way that we are to these very people now? We must place ourselves in the place we want them to stay, a place that is being controlled by another person (you) through manipulation and guilt. Whether you believe it or not, there will come a day when that person, or those people, will get to the point where they will try to save your silly ass one more time, or instead and for the very first time in their lives, they will choose to save themselves. Finally, and because they realized that all along, people depended on them to just be there and took for granted that living within that mask that is the Ego's physical presentation is a human being, who, just like anyone else, eventually runs out of anything for anyone. 

Even Our Very Selves.

And when you get to that point where you are physically affected by what you chose to give to someone else in terms of energy, then really, you truly are the very one who, now you know, because I speak from experience, are who is at fault for every single tiny little pain you feel now, both physically or otherwise. This is the truth. This is the truth that we all come to meet with, and then after we have taken the time to ignore what is our own truth, only pointing out the sins of the other, we realize one day that we were the other half of that ugliness, and that there really is nothing more that can be done than to begin the climb. It is not someone else who has us locked in the past and the pain, only ourselves. 

Following the Path to Enlightenment was never promised to be easy, but many of us know the truth that is being who we are, and part of being who we are means taking at least the same amount of care that we do with our material things. We fail to take care of our very selves, and we are precious, each of us, because we are here and purposed with things that we do not understand but are compelled to allow ourselves to be drawn to them. And we know that there is a bit of changing of our minds and our habits, and we relearn the value that is Love, but of the Soul, not of the body. We find others who are like us and in pain on their Path, and they come along for the stroll through life, being themselves, allowing us to be our full selves as well, and living as we are meant to - to Be, in Love. 

Far too many of us still want someone else to Love us as much as we should each Love ourselves. Not one of us can say that we have never done things that we did not want to do because we all make decisions everyday. There is not one person reading this who can say that at least one time in their lives they have not hurt so badly that the thing that made them hurt is the very thing that they are hanging on to that is also making them hurt. One day, we all learn to accept things as they are. One day, all of us realize that while it is one truth that we can affect the future and create it the way we want it to be, just like we also can never change what is the past. Things happen. People grow. People meet other people and make friends with those new people and they become tightly bonded to each other because these people have made their lives make sense to them. People share lives, period. It is not meant to be judged with a smallness of mind. 

It is not meant to be judged at all.

This is a part of the climb, the part of evolving that continues to creep up on us and jump out at us because we let it. We cannot control other people or what they will or will not Be, cannot affect who they are with our emotions. This is something that we all go through, and hopefully something we all learn.

Life is Beautiful. Life takes courage and a willingness to become all we are each meant to be, which is a whole hell of a lot. Life takes a gentle forcefulness of Love that is unconditional, that places us all into a space where we each learn that it is a lot of hard work to climb, to get ourselves out of the mindset that is a victimized Soul. 

Life requires Love.
Love requires us.
We require, each, to Love Our Selves.
When we can Love Our Selves, we will Know what Love requires so that it may be shared unconditionally...

I Love You All !
ROX

What the Dragonfly told me

Screaming, silently, is the song of transformation

It was simply just time, I felt, to change the theme of this blog from the heralding and quietly venomous journal that it could have been seen as, to this blatant act of transformation, and I was told that this would happen, but not by a human being - by, instead, a hummingbird, a dragonfly, a crow, a Japanese Beetle and of course, a butterfly. 

I noticed that I began seeing more and more of these specific creatures, and at first I was a little freaked out because they all are of the same elements - air, and earth, but there was only one of them which was related to water, and that one creature was the Dragonfly. Dragonflies are odd as much as they are gorgeous. They remind me sort of myself in that I am a bit on the odd side, do not consider myself to be this gorgeous creature outwardly, even though I know that my heart and soul are well on their way there, and it is not without tears, not without the aches and the pains related to transformation of the Self. Yes, while it is that this is a writing that would have been well suited to my other blog, at this time in our collective thought and our collective energy, my thought personally is that there is no place else where this particular writing should be, because as anyone who has been where I have been, you know that the one thing we ALL pine for is to no longer hurt, even if it means that, one last time, we must go through what it is that hurt us in the first place, even if it is only in our minds and souls. 

Transformation means change, and change is scary. Right now, though, we are being told by our outer planets that our inner workings will never be what they need to be if they do not bother with the ugliness that is the pain that we each just shoved down deep into the recesses of the psyche, into the dark shadows of the place where, for too long now, both literally and in a figurative sense, we have remained for far too long already. We are being called out of the darkness, and it is the outer things that make us cry that are making the inner things feel like this is just not going to be what we need or want, is no longer what we have a use for, and most of us have a very difficult time with letting go of things. I know I do. And yes, it is because for a long stretch of time I was someone's victim, and then I was my own survivor, but now?

Now I am all the Healer that I was sent to this lifetime to be, and while I may not fully believe that thought, my Soul tells me that I am right and that this is where I am supposed to be right now. Yes, I am, like you are, meant to be in this energy that is the hurt and the heartache from all the hurting we have done for the past however long we have hurt for, and now is when that energy is no longer needed because at this point in our Path to Evolving who we are for real, we have already used the pain and the hurt and the everything else that people and more so, ourselves, gave to us. It is hard for someone like me who has fought to keep herself from sliding back into the energy that is victimhood, harder for me to let go of the label of Survivorhood, and even more difficult, not to accept my place as the Spiritual Diva I have turned into (Yeah, I said it - deal with it...) and more difficult to NOT say what I am and most difficult to wear the Soul of being a Shamaness versus speaking the role of that same thing. If there is anything that being a survivor has taught me it is that sometimes it is not we who needs to spout about who we are, but instead, we who need to let other people come to us and tell us that they know.

When we go and tell people what we are, we give the ego within a place to fester when instead it needs to learn to just Be. This is the thing about being a survivor of anything - we need to learn to just Be who we are and let Spirit handle the rest. This, along with a lot of other things, is what the Dragonfly told me. 

The dragonfly told me that it is time to accept the upheaval in my life, to see to it that I really am ready to get out there in the big fat obnoxious world and be who I am becoming. It was the Dragonfly who told me that I needed to see my own iridescence, my own Piscean sparkle, but not to let my own Ego be who spouts about it, but rather and only, those who I have been in close council with, and some of those people it has been years and years, and also, with those people, it has been without my realizing that my lot in life is to be the Love and the healing energy in the lives, not only of those closest to me, but the world at large. I know from watching these creatures that my place in the world of the Soul is to be light with my energy, swift with my teachings, ardent with my thoughts, and that even physical beauty has elements, not only of danger, but more, of the Shadow (because some people have, until now, or at least recently, only seen and appreciated the outer me...it was not til recently that they saw me for the first time...it scared them, but they know, too, that I am who and what I say I am) side of me as it pertains to them.

It was not that I didn't know that this part of our collective transformation was coming, but that it had already been here for quite some time and that the aches and the pains were not from anything more than those changes which had already happened. We do not realize it until someone tells us that indeed, we are beautiful, but it is not what we think, not what we wanted, but totally what is good and right and loving about who we each are. It is time, the dragonfly told me, to take care of me. It is time, the Beetle told me, to get through everything while flying with the greatest of ease (and hell yes even if, like the Japanese Beetle is known to, I run into things that are there in my awareness but still do not avoid them) and to forge forward, no matter what. It is time, the Crows screamed at me, to look the fear of loss in the face and to see the other side of it, which came from the butterfly. It is time, said the hummingbird, to be joyful, not only that you do what you do, but that you enjoy the work and the people, and all of them said the same thing...

...all of them reminded me that Spirit takes care of them, that they eat when they are hungry, sleep safely when they sleep, do what they will, and still go on to the next thing...still, they carry on, and still, they progress. Through each of their own transformation, they told me that I have nothing to fear, that what I need is mine, that what I want is in manifest, that who I am meant as in the lives and times of others, particularly those who are closest to me, is becoming.

Who I am to others is in manifest. Who I was?

Well, that person, while she still exists, is quickly realizing that while transforming one's life to meld with one's own soul...yeah...it's a BITCH to get through, but...again...

Spiritual Divas...we are not made this way...we are born to figure it out and then one day...

...one day we are visited by a Hummingbird, a Japanese Beetle, a noisy damned crow and its friends, a Butterfly in all its glory...

...and a Dragonfly...and one who likes to tell me its secrets....

I Love You All !
ROX

All the way past tired and back

It is time for a breather, time for us to see where we have been (and more, what we have each evolved to by now...hint...there is no one on this planet who is just like you...)

From time to time we need to take stock of things in our lives and we need to look at every thing that has happened to us to a point where we can only bother to deal with what we can deal with and the rest just has to work itself out. We have so many things happening all at one time right now that to choose one thing to work on, I know, feels like an impossible thing, but it is not impossible. The truth is that we might just be tired, and tired on a level that none of us really was prepared for. The only things that we saw a year ago right now is that there was a lot that had to change, and a lot that we had at our disposal, and a lot that no one was really wanting to go through.

My thought, even though I know that we are all tired, is that it is really just time to let it and everyone who is not in on it with us...time has come to let them go. The reason is that we will just continue to spin our wheels, will continue to just not deal with things in the manner that we need to and will just keep on going around and around in these circles and in this energy that is so not ours anymore, and sometimes, never was ours. We just chose to take it all on as though we were somehow the only one in the game who could make things different for anyone else at all. We never allow ourselves to hurt to the point where it will make a difference for ourselves, where it might be just the thing that we were looking for but were those things in the raw and not all prettied up like we want them to be. We are too willing to not be who we are, too intended upon being someone who we are not, and not even for the betterment of our formerly battered selves, but rather and only so that others will accept us, and accept us not even as we really are.

Well, I will admit to one thing that is the very truth of me, much as I am hopeful that it is also the truth of you, and that one thing is that dearly, I Love Me. Really. I do. You should also Love You. It isn't a bad thing at all, to Love one's own self. It took me a very long time to be able to take a look in the mirror, both literally and, of course, in those who are closest to me, and see there that I ain't so bad after all. No matter what I have been told, and no matter who has said what with the intention only of hurting me so that they do not also have to hurt as much, I know my own truth. I know that I am real. I know that what I have learned to this moment is also the truth and is also real, much as I know anything that I have had the luck of learning from a book.

The things that I have witnessed and have had as my own experience tells me that I am one who deserves this feeling, this knowing that where I am now, at this moment in time, I meant to be. I might not like it, and some of what I see currently in manifest I might not have enough patience to want to think about too much in depth, but it is all there, and all of it tells me that no matter what, I have survived something that too many people survive, and many more who do not. I have been through the wringer and back. I can tell, these days, who is there for me, who is there because of me, who is there and has bad intentions, and who, for real, really truly values and Loves me. Where it was that I thought I would never live with one sort of energy that I thought might be Love, in its place I have been given those who are just like me in many ways, and in all the ways that make us unique, I have been embraced for that special thing, in their eyes, makes me, Me. And they Love me, all of them do. They Love me because I Love Me.

However, it took me some time before I realized the one thing that I never even took notice of in the past. This time around, with these new people, I found out through them that I made it where I am today because I took the chance to go all the way past being tired, and crawled, sorta, all the way back to me, and every bit of that time was worth it all. It was worth it to have my heart broken on more than one occasion and by more than one person, because without those things happening, I might not know that I am worth what it will take for people to want to be in my life. Without these people mirroring who I am, I would not know just how dearly special that I really am, that anyone really is, and without these used-to-be-strangers who very quickly became a huge part of me and my life I would not know who I am. Because of them I know who I am, and more, I also can now believe that I was never ever who I was told that I was, never ever was what I  knew I have never been.

I have always been strong. I have always been talented. I have always been gifted.

I have always been impatient. I have always wanted to trust people, no matter who they are. I have always been more willing to want to believe the lies that I knew were there were the truth because the truth of other people sometimes sucks.

I have always been cooperative, always been compassionate, always, always, always been one with a heart full of Love and a Soul full of Light and a Spirit that was nothing but the realest thing that can be called "Aloha."

I have always been many, many ways, and I have always been always only me. It is not my fault that there are people on this planet who cannot, for the life of them, deal with me just being me, and further, why are they so bothered by me when they have so much of themselves to pay attention to? Why am I that interesting to people who only want to see what is not there that they want to see there and may even try to place there, but it is not because I make them do it.

I ran all the way past tired and back, and through it all I was Loved, cherished, safe, accepted...just exactly as I am.

I know now that I do not need to wait for people to accept me, do not need to wait for people to Love me.

I am already Loved and Accepted....

Mahalo Nui

Aloha ...I LOVE YOU ALL !

ROX

Trust is Tangible

You are proof that Trust is a tangible thing

Please don't get me wrong - by stating that you being in the presence or lives of people makes it so that you trust them or that they trust you is NOT what I am talking about. Abuse survivors know one thing is truth - we all know that trust is a thing that has to be in any relationship or else it turns into a master/servant thing at best, and well, we all know what happens that can mark the part that is "at worst." 

By my stating and thinking that trust is a tangible thing and that you are proof of it is that all abuse survivors end up with new people in our lives, people who we may have had the luck of coming into contact with a second time around, or people who we never met before and that all of us have to relearn how to trust other people. It is not an easy thing to do, either. We all want to have people in our lives, all want to be loved and cherished and want to have closeness with people, but how we handled not being trusted by the ones who were supposed to trust us, and the ones who made us work for their trust even as they demanded that we not question their trustworthiness, how we handled others not trusting us for no reason at all versus how we handle our being able to trust anyone at all after the fact are two very different things.

That anyone who has gone through something as awful as any kind of abuse is one thing, but to expect that anyone who has gone through it at all and come out at the other end able to deal with things and also able to try and trust other people again is almost impossible to believe, given  the circumstances, that anyone in that situation can trust again. Trust is not easy. Once it has been fractured it takes a bit of time to regain it, not in the person who broke it, but with anyone. Abuse survivors know what it is to feel like no one and no one's words can be trusted, and we find out that no matter how many excuses we are willing to make for people who have done us wrong, at the bottom of it all we know what is the truth, and the truth is that trusting others is not only something that needs to be regained in us, but more, is something that we have to try hard not to falter on. 

We second guess everything and everyone, but no one more do we do this with than ourselves. You have to remember that we have been physically assaulted, accused of cheating, of lying, of stealing, of doing things that are all chalked up to an assumption, and the assumption is the thing that keeps an abuser in control. They want to own us, not love us, because they have no idea the truth that is Love. This is what we, the abused and the formerly abused, know as our reality. We have a hard time taking people for their word, and we have an even harder time with trusting ourselves with trusting anyone, ever again. When a survivor of abuse comes into your life, it is a gift. It is a gift because you have the opportunity to watch trust become a part of a person's life. 

Too often in life we take for granted that we will be trusted, and then one day we meet someone who we trust our whole self with and that one person ends up breaking that trust, either by not trusting us or outright accusing us for doing things that we would never do. It is immediate that we have to try hard to come out of our selves, to reach out and to be with people who, at the onset, we so dearly want to trust - and it hurts to not trust another person. As humans we are not meant to be anything other than with each other, and when the trust has been broken we become confused as to how it is that this happened. We do not know when it started, all we do know is that it hurts, that it cuts all the way to the bones, all the way to the soul. The first thing that anyone experiences with someone who is going to put us to task with our ability to trust others is the idea that we are not anywhere near good enough to be taken for the words that are coming out of our mouths. When all you have is the words that you speak, and someone who is meant to just trust you because we so readily trust them, does not extend that same energy in return, it creates a climate of "master/servant."

When we have to beg to be who we are, and beg to be able to feel okay with ourselves and someone who we wanted at one time to so dearly trust us, and they think the thoughts that they do that make it difficult for those who have been abused, those who have survived the abuse, those who are still in the throes of the abuse to be able to get out of that mold, that energy that we do not fit into, but that we are being told is who we are. When we are not allowed to be who we are, this creates a serious sense of mistrust. It is an energy that tells us each that who we are is not good enough to be trusted, that we are "not up to spec" with the person who we gave our whole selves to. Our whole self is the only thing that we really can claim to having and when it is that we are told that who we are somehow is not good enough to behave in a manner that is befitting of someone who is meant to be loved and means only to love, and we get told, perhaps not in so many words that the way we are is so irritating to another person and that we feel like we are not even liked by them, let alone loved, it creates an energy of mistrust - not only in other people, but more, and sadly, within ourselves. 

Trust is a tangible thing, a tangible energy, much as is everything, because trust is us. We are the embodiment of trust. We are trust come to life. When an abuse survivor can become trusting with themselves is when it becomes tangible, because with that trust in ourselves also comes the luxury of just being able to sit in our skin and finally, after many, many years, we can feel our wholeness coming back to us, can feel like we are meant to be this person who we have fought so long and so hard to be again. My thought about not being trusted is that because an abuser is such an insecure person with their own selves and with their own thoughts and essentially are not happy with themselves, they must find others to help them understand this part of them, and the best person to do that is someone who is like them in opposition. 

To believe otherwise- that we are anything other than the most purest of evidence that trust is a tangible thing, is to take away the things from us, the lessons that we learned, which tell everyone, including ourselves, that we have not been through everything that we know we have been. It is like telling a child that he or she has no reason to fear the monsters in the closet after we have told them that monsters exist. The only monsters that exist are those who are willing to breach our trust and expect that we should just deal with the idea that who they are in their own mind is so important to the benefit of mankind that somehow, to not trust them and their words and their actions is somehow a sin against man and nature.

The idea that we are not willing to trust them as well as a lot of other people is not giving credence to the fact that we know what we went through, we know how we felt and now, how we feel. We know that who we are is important, and we also know that there is an energy between us and our abusers, no matter who they are or where they are, that only with our own ability to rebuild trust in ourselves and for ourselves, that there will never be trust for another again until that happens. 

This is how we know that we are trust come to life. Because we are cautious, because we hurt, because we bear the scars and the wounds of the battle within ourselves is why it is that trust is a tangible thing. 

It is tangible because in order to trust someone enough to love them, we must be able to give ourselves to them, in every way that we can imagine.

Without trust within, there can never be trust on the outside, either...

I Love You All
ROX

I hope they've learned as much as I have

It is hard to let go when you don't want to...namely, when you know it is best you do

There are things that I know I have to do. I have to do the laundry. I have to prepare for school, for widowhood, for lots of things. So the one thing that I need to do very dearly is simply to let people who try hard to break me, who will not bother with telling me what is their truth, and who hide behind their fear...well, let's just say that I am tired of my intelligence being insulted, and I am sick to death of being told one thing only to find out otherwise. We shall also say that this is not completely a goodbye, not really a "good riddance," but more my own way of seeing what needs to be purged from my life, and the one thing that I know needs to be purged from my life are those who seem not to be able to release the old so as to make room for the new and the better. 

In essence, this is not really a goodbye, but more along the lines of letting some folks who need to learn about themselves and then try harder to grow out of their old patterns so that they can realize the new part of them. It is this new part of themselves that is trying hard to escape the old patterns, but it is the old part - the part of them that requires no work to change for their own good and their own life purpose, and which is also the part of them that is connected to their Ego sense. Recall that when I talk about the "Ego sense," that I am talking about that part that resides in each of us that is scared to grow because it will take too much time, or it will hurt to much to try to change the things about us and the habits and the ways that we make ourselves not have to feel our own life's pains to become what they are each meant to be. What they are each meant to be are lessons, are teachers to our lives, and sadly, there are a lot of folks who, for one reason or another, are having a hard time trying to get to that place that they know they want to be but for the life of them just seem not able to overcome what it is that plagues them.

What plagues them, essentially, is fear. Humans are taught to fear and to not question. We are taught that we have to use other people, have to try to hide a piece of who we are so that no one can see the reality that is ours, and we are scared as hell of being judged because we do not want our truth to be made everyone else's truth. Everyone else's truth never has to be our truth, but sometimes we buy it. Sometimes we buy other peoples' bullshit. No where else is this more prevalent than in the lives of the abused and formerly abused. Those who have been abused tend to think in a way that is always "how can I not ever have to feel that way again?" and the most unfortunate part of this is that there are many who are in one of these two groups of people who will easily turn to things outside of themselves that eventually causes them to turn ON themselves. It is like when an octopus is feeling anxiety and starts eating its own self - this is what happens when we are more inclined to do what we have always done in order to escape the pain of our lives. 

Then the "fun" thing that happens after that is that those who are choosing without realizing that they are choosing to habitually drag other people into the fracas that is their life.  It is essential to our growth, to our ability to be able to heal successfully without having to turn to things tangible, things and people outside of ourselves, things that we know WILL hurt us, that we look at who we really are and realize that even though we might essentially be a train wreck at the moment, it does not have to be like this forever. However, there are a lot of people who are choosing the familiar discomfort of things that worked temporarily in the past rather than choosing wisely and deciding to grow out of the old and to wear, from day one, that which is the glorious and the new. Like brand new jeans, so, too, do new ways and new thoughts and the newness that is the growth that hurts us need to also be worn, to also be tried out and looked at and used to our own advantage. 

The hurts that we experience from the growth is different than the ones that were brought to us by what we thought was helping us. We each know that there are things that people do to themselves that cause them to think that the secondary things they do...drink, indulge in ugly substances that we know will screw us up, try things that we have been told work that seem like a good idea but on the whole we KNOW are anything but...end up being 

We know when "the better" is coming, and not only because it will be revealed by the Goddess those things which no longer serve us or our purpose, but also because new people, new ideas, and new energy reveals itself, too. Where once there was the energy that was fraught with being scared and inundated with fear, there is now the energy that is letting go, is the energy that tells you that you can live without certain people and situations in your life. It is not something that will be easy to do, letting go of those whose purpose in our lives or perhaps for whom our presence in theirs was to bring about the energy that was needed, but is something that, when the time comes, we will just do. 

When the energy came for me was sometime last evening while I was talking with someone who is very close to me and they'd mentioned that there was, at that moment in their lives, much as it is with my own, a list of people who were being extricated from said close person's cell phone. As minute as it sounds, in the realm of the Soul and all that is healing from the pains and abuse from the past, it is huge. When I was told by this person that this is what they were doing, it was with an immediacy that I'd told them that I, too, was doing the very same thing. I was doing the same thing because if I do not do the same thing - keep on symbolically removing people who've no business or purpose in my life through whatever means it is that I do so - it will only drag me and my energy down, and I have been down for so long now, much as this close person, as many of my closest friends and confidantes have also been, that the only way to relieve my own self of the pain and the hurt that comes also with the idea that someone, that anyone at all, is going to tell me one thing and do the opposite, is to release them from my life, even if temporarily.

This is not simple to do. We attach ourselves not only to people but also to the outcome that we want to see for them, for ourselves and for the situations at hand as well as the ones in manifest. It is not that the outcome is not something that I cannot wait for but more that the outcome, for some people, might seem impossible to realize, might hurt too much to have to go through the work involved, and the work involved has only to do with the self.  "So, Rev., why would anyone want to get rid of things and people they think are important?" is usually the question that I am asked when people ask me what it is that they should do when trying hard to get through something with someone else, no matter who they are, and the answer that I give is relevant to my own life at this time. In my own life at this time much is happening. There is the ending of one part of my life and the start of an entire new part which, when I think about those two things on their own I am made both happy and afraid. I am happy because very simply, it is about time, and afraid, because no one, not even a well paid and proven psychic can tell us what the exact outcome will be. No one can. We create the outcome we want to see or one that is better than the one we want to see. 

With that said, it may well be understood by anyone reading this that I am no longer open to draining my own energies for those who will not also help with the work that they know they need to do if they are also not as at least as willing as I am to help them get their lives back. Abuse survivors are very uncannily able to tell when we are being lied to, when the truth is being hidden, and there is not one of us who, even if we do not realize it, cannot sense it when someone is not being as open and truthful as we are, as we have been. Just because it is my job to counsel, is my job to intuit the energies that I sense, my job to sometimes and physically place my hands, sometimes my whole self, onto others so that they may have a bit of the good energy that they need in order to get along in their lives with the thing that they are supposed to do and more, to be, it does not mean that mine is an endless energy even though technically, it is. 

It is not the energy that is not endless, but the level of patience that is. It is the worn out thinking in others that I will be there for them, at the ready, because that is how they know me to be. What they have yet to go through is the fact that even highly energetic people like me get tired, on many levels, and lately it is the wish upon my own heart and soul that while I want to see that everyone gets their own lives healed, when it comes to my life and the things that I want to see happen in it, I cannot allow myself to let the energies that I know will deplete my own be the thing that eats me alive. I cannot wait here for people to stop being afraid of the work involved, can't just be the one person who is just always going to be there at someone else's whim even though I am essentially always there for people to seek a way to heal their own lives. I will always be there for that, but will no longer be there for people who just need a quick fix of good energy so that they can deal with theirs that is not so good, and I will not be around for those who will tell me that things with people are one way when in reality that is not the entire story. The entire story may or may not be believed.

The entire story may or may not be believed for the simple fact that if a person is willing to live without integrity, it also means that they are willing to live with the things that they hurt from, and more, willing to continue hurting from them, and willing to medicate themselves in whichever manner it is that they have for a long time just so that they will not have to deal with the pain of the shame of the losses, the pain of the abuse that was once there, which was there by someone else's hands and then when the pain became too much, by their own hands, in manners that no one with a brain in their head would bother with. Everyone on the planet has been hurt, but not everyone who hurts becomes abusive to others or more, to themselves. This is the other reality that comes with abuse - somehow, there has to be healing, and it has to come from within, and always there will be someone who will be able to help those who have ignored the things that I have told them in matters of where the pain is coming from versus where they can send that pain...most listen, but there are those few who do not. 

I could sit here and say that my choices ...the ones that I have to make as of now....hurt me a lot, but that is a lie. The choices that I have to make - the ones that are "should I help this person or should I save it for me?" - are not easy. On the outside of it all it seems that no matter what I have said, no matter what I have done, no matter what it is that has eaten their lives and no matter what it is that these people have tried to heal themselves with, it is to no avail. It is to no avail because while I understood that no one is guaranteed that they will be able to heal their lives on their own, it is a promise that no one who doesn't at least try to heal, will. They will not heal, because the mess that is in front of them called "their lives" is familiar to them, comforts them knowing that they can deal with the mess because the mess is all they know. So they keep creating bigger messes that look like the last mess and keep on expecting different results from the same messiness that is still not better, not smaller, and only gets worse.

It breaks me up inside a bit to know that for a moment, I have to step back and have to do so because should I bother to stay where I am, I will not be able to move forward, and my future is a beautiful thing indeed, filled with laughter and love, with friends and people who I care deeply about and who are considered to me as family, and the antics that these people have heard about thus far, while said antics do not affect me in the manner that is direct, they effect me in that I have cared, and cared, and talked, and emphasized, and propped up, and basically been there, and at the moment, it feels like it was all for nothing, even though that is the furthest thing from the truth.

It was not all for nothing, because without those people who are too afraid to grow out of their own messes I saw my own. That is the blessing in what seems at the moment like it is a loss. It is not a loss. My thought is that I have to let them go and perhaps in my (hopefully temporary) absence they will grow, will get a clue, will be able to take what very little they came to me for and utilize it. My prayer is that in my absence that they will know that I truly do love them, enough so that I would imagine that if the tables were turned that they would not want me to not heal on my own. I would imagine that if I were them, and they were me, that they would have done this a long time ago. I would imagine, too, that they know that I am human, that I fail at things, that I am not the greatest healer on the planet, but that I may indeed be one of the most loving. I hope they learned from me that they were worth my time when they were worth their own time.

While I cannot say that these people with whom I must, at this time, part ways, know who they are, I will say that they all know, and hopefully believe it when I say that really, it is for your own good, my own good, and that I Love You...

...I Love You...I always will...but I love me, too, and I am a priority.


Why aren't you a priority to YOU?

I LOVE YOU ALL
ROX