...and as with all else, this too shall change and you will no longer hurt from it...
You have to start somewhere. Today I did just that. Today I went to a domestic violence support organization because the frank truth is that this entire ordeal has rendered me "stuck," sort of, in a place where I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't, and whether I do it now or do it a month from now, it is still going to get done because of this, that and of course, the other...however...
Life was not always this way...
...and Life will not remain this way. No matter how hard it seems for you at this moment to really believe that there is an end to all of this madness that you are currently witnessing as being the thing that is your life, know, believe, and accept, too, that none of it is permanent, that it WILL get better as you get stronger, and as you get stronger, you will find that you can do just about anything you put your mind AND your soul to, and that, really, is the ONLY thing that any one of us HAS TO try to do - accept what I just wrote up there as a basic Truth which applies to each and every one of us who graces the crust of this planet.
Not one thing that you can look at within your eyes' line of sight will remain just exactly as it is at this moment. Some peoples' lives will change markedly, and other's lives will just be implemented with those things and those people -some who may already be there and in place and waiting...waiting, waiting, waiting...not for the change to happen to or for them, but by them...and very much indeed we find that these changes, they are permanent.
But change and its ever presence is the only thing that does NOT change ... changes, paradoxically, never changes. Change is the thing that makes us fear, and change is the thing that makes us grow, and we humans do not like to change and we do not like to grow. We become comfortable in settling for less than what we see ourselves as, and let me tell you something, folks - if there is one thing that I have learned absolutely in these last two decades, it is that we would rather settle for what we have been told we are able to have and deserve to have, and we allow someone else to tell us what THEY think we are worthy of, and it is not much, guys, not at all. ...
Which is the reason that I contemplated doing what I did today, knowing that I had to do it, that I am the one who is totally responsible for my own healing, that I was not going to the place where I went to today for any other person than myself, because I can no longer deal with the sadness that I have been given and I can no longer carry my burden and someone else's at the same time and that I should never have volunteered to do it for as long as I have.
I learned something about me today, and it is that I really am a soul warrior, that I really am all that I have known that I am, for the entirety of my life and NOT only the last 23 - I was someone prior to the day that I met the person who I married, and here I am, many years later, almost to the date, 21 years later, and I see in this person the thing that I have always seen, and what I have always seen has been something of a shell of what someone was and that person hanging on to that memory when he'd held all the marbles, had all the control, and little did I realize that I am still afraid, so very, very afraid, that I am still a little rough around the edges, and if you saw me the way that I see me, the rough edges are not unacceptable. I worked hard for them...we all work hard for them...
I have enough rough edges, all on the inside, and it was not until tonight that I began to orate to my oldest about the reason that I have not gone completely off of the deep end, not at all, and why it is that every time hear Hawaiian music, I am brought to tears, but I am smiling, and it is because there is a group of people with whom I share an emotional bond who know me as well as any group would. I love them. They Love me. They are my cousins...my Soares cousins...the ones who are more like my siblings than anything else.
There are only so many times in our lives when we are afforded the opportunity to tell people who mean a whole lot to us that indeed we Love them...that truly, I do Love you, each and every one of you, with every bit of aloha that I can think to even contain within me. Normally, at a time of night when I am sitting in my Sacred Space in prayer with God and asking for the things that my soul so desires, I thought about the many things that I have been privileged to have said that I have owned, places I have visited, people I have met, places I have lived... all of it, I am instead sitting here at my keyboard and listening to Keali'i Reichel, thinking about all those times we were together, even recently, and always at Uncle Reggie's house. Always eating and drinking and sneaking out to have a smoke...and most of all, just being right there, in another space which is considered to me to be Sacred. It is a place where I know we are all of one heart and soul, that we are a family, that we are looking at each other and in that split second we are seeing that missing front tooth, long braided hair, slippahs from Longs Drugstore, the Silver Shave Ice Truck...
And yes...of course we broke each others' hearts, and said things that hurt each other, and even sometimes allowed ourselves to throw blows, all over what?
No, not pride, or greed, or anything stupid and 'adult,' like that...nah, we fought because for a split second we feared that we'd lost the love of a person who was our...sibling...you guys, all of you, are my brothers and sisters, and I am so glad to tell you that for as long as I can remember and think about growing up "Hawaiian," I can see us all...all there at the most important times of each of our lives, and though I may have missed out one some pretty significant times and events, I sit here thinking about it, and knowing that I have the chance every single day of my life to tell someone how much they mean to me. I have done that for years - told the people who mean the most to me that I love them...and I say it to them often, and they know who they are, because when I see them, I tell them. I tell them that I love them, and I mean it, I really, really mean it.
For every time that we fought and said ugly words to one another, know that each time I thought of you afterwards, it was never about the fight that just happened but about the time that we fought when we were kids and then I laughed and suddenly missed you.
For every tear that we shared when one of our hearts got broken, know that when you cried, I cried with you, maybe not where you could see it, but I hurt for you, and I grieved for you, but I always knew you would be okay because that is the way that we were raised.
For every laughter filled room of kids we call our own, and seeing them play together just like we did, in them I see shades of us, and I am taken right back to Booth Park, to Ala Moana Park, to The Bus, The Waikiki Zoo, Makapu'u Beach, Erleene's truck, and finding an EPT test in my mom's carry-on.
I am sure that you can all see all these things in your minds now, right now, and I know that just as I am recalling these good times and these good memories, I am glad to say that I know you, that I have always Loved you, and that forever we will be bound, not by the memories of who we were or where we are going or doing with our lives, but because we are the truest Ohana there is, and I am happy tho know that this is who we will always be. I miss you all, and when I see you I see the real You, the One Who has always honored and Loved the Real Me...all of you...
Thank you all for always being right there for me, right at the right time, and never forgetting to let me know that I am Loved !!
Aloha...
...Mapuana...
You have to start somewhere. Today I did just that. Today I went to a domestic violence support organization because the frank truth is that this entire ordeal has rendered me "stuck," sort of, in a place where I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't, and whether I do it now or do it a month from now, it is still going to get done because of this, that and of course, the other...however...
Life was not always this way...
...and Life will not remain this way. No matter how hard it seems for you at this moment to really believe that there is an end to all of this madness that you are currently witnessing as being the thing that is your life, know, believe, and accept, too, that none of it is permanent, that it WILL get better as you get stronger, and as you get stronger, you will find that you can do just about anything you put your mind AND your soul to, and that, really, is the ONLY thing that any one of us HAS TO try to do - accept what I just wrote up there as a basic Truth which applies to each and every one of us who graces the crust of this planet.
Not one thing that you can look at within your eyes' line of sight will remain just exactly as it is at this moment. Some peoples' lives will change markedly, and other's lives will just be implemented with those things and those people -some who may already be there and in place and waiting...waiting, waiting, waiting...not for the change to happen to or for them, but by them...and very much indeed we find that these changes, they are permanent.
But change and its ever presence is the only thing that does NOT change ... changes, paradoxically, never changes. Change is the thing that makes us fear, and change is the thing that makes us grow, and we humans do not like to change and we do not like to grow. We become comfortable in settling for less than what we see ourselves as, and let me tell you something, folks - if there is one thing that I have learned absolutely in these last two decades, it is that we would rather settle for what we have been told we are able to have and deserve to have, and we allow someone else to tell us what THEY think we are worthy of, and it is not much, guys, not at all. ...
Which is the reason that I contemplated doing what I did today, knowing that I had to do it, that I am the one who is totally responsible for my own healing, that I was not going to the place where I went to today for any other person than myself, because I can no longer deal with the sadness that I have been given and I can no longer carry my burden and someone else's at the same time and that I should never have volunteered to do it for as long as I have.
I learned something about me today, and it is that I really am a soul warrior, that I really am all that I have known that I am, for the entirety of my life and NOT only the last 23 - I was someone prior to the day that I met the person who I married, and here I am, many years later, almost to the date, 21 years later, and I see in this person the thing that I have always seen, and what I have always seen has been something of a shell of what someone was and that person hanging on to that memory when he'd held all the marbles, had all the control, and little did I realize that I am still afraid, so very, very afraid, that I am still a little rough around the edges, and if you saw me the way that I see me, the rough edges are not unacceptable. I worked hard for them...we all work hard for them...
I have enough rough edges, all on the inside, and it was not until tonight that I began to orate to my oldest about the reason that I have not gone completely off of the deep end, not at all, and why it is that every time hear Hawaiian music, I am brought to tears, but I am smiling, and it is because there is a group of people with whom I share an emotional bond who know me as well as any group would. I love them. They Love me. They are my cousins...my Soares cousins...the ones who are more like my siblings than anything else.
There are only so many times in our lives when we are afforded the opportunity to tell people who mean a whole lot to us that indeed we Love them...that truly, I do Love you, each and every one of you, with every bit of aloha that I can think to even contain within me. Normally, at a time of night when I am sitting in my Sacred Space in prayer with God and asking for the things that my soul so desires, I thought about the many things that I have been privileged to have said that I have owned, places I have visited, people I have met, places I have lived... all of it, I am instead sitting here at my keyboard and listening to Keali'i Reichel, thinking about all those times we were together, even recently, and always at Uncle Reggie's house. Always eating and drinking and sneaking out to have a smoke...and most of all, just being right there, in another space which is considered to me to be Sacred. It is a place where I know we are all of one heart and soul, that we are a family, that we are looking at each other and in that split second we are seeing that missing front tooth, long braided hair, slippahs from Longs Drugstore, the Silver Shave Ice Truck...
And yes...of course we broke each others' hearts, and said things that hurt each other, and even sometimes allowed ourselves to throw blows, all over what?
No, not pride, or greed, or anything stupid and 'adult,' like that...nah, we fought because for a split second we feared that we'd lost the love of a person who was our...sibling...you guys, all of you, are my brothers and sisters, and I am so glad to tell you that for as long as I can remember and think about growing up "Hawaiian," I can see us all...all there at the most important times of each of our lives, and though I may have missed out one some pretty significant times and events, I sit here thinking about it, and knowing that I have the chance every single day of my life to tell someone how much they mean to me. I have done that for years - told the people who mean the most to me that I love them...and I say it to them often, and they know who they are, because when I see them, I tell them. I tell them that I love them, and I mean it, I really, really mean it.
For every time that we fought and said ugly words to one another, know that each time I thought of you afterwards, it was never about the fight that just happened but about the time that we fought when we were kids and then I laughed and suddenly missed you.
For every tear that we shared when one of our hearts got broken, know that when you cried, I cried with you, maybe not where you could see it, but I hurt for you, and I grieved for you, but I always knew you would be okay because that is the way that we were raised.
For every laughter filled room of kids we call our own, and seeing them play together just like we did, in them I see shades of us, and I am taken right back to Booth Park, to Ala Moana Park, to The Bus, The Waikiki Zoo, Makapu'u Beach, Erleene's truck, and finding an EPT test in my mom's carry-on.
I am sure that you can all see all these things in your minds now, right now, and I know that just as I am recalling these good times and these good memories, I am glad to say that I know you, that I have always Loved you, and that forever we will be bound, not by the memories of who we were or where we are going or doing with our lives, but because we are the truest Ohana there is, and I am happy tho know that this is who we will always be. I miss you all, and when I see you I see the real You, the One Who has always honored and Loved the Real Me...all of you...
Thank you all for always being right there for me, right at the right time, and never forgetting to let me know that I am Loved !!
Aloha...
...Mapuana...
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