This is the truth in healing - we need to learn to heal ourselves and we need to learn to accept that sometimes the healing we seek is not the healing we need and neither will get. What we need also to do is to hear our own voices when we are telling other people what we know they need to hear because sometimes what we need to hear will not come from outside of us. In fact, most of the time it doesn't and most of the time when we think we are giving good words to other people and while they are good words and words that they need to know and to hear, what we are also and unwittingly doing is giving us our own clarity about a thing.
Clarity about a thing
It is the same with all who have been forced into Survivorhood. Our need for clarity is such a huge thing that we become blinded by the rage that masks itself as rage when in reality it is confusion brought on by unresolved hurts and unresolved dings to the soul and for the life of us we cannot think past the hurt and how we will get away from it. We cannot get away from something that is teaching us a lesson, and in the case of an abuse survivor we find that always, to relieve ourselves of the pain that was and the pain that still is we go outside of who we are and we choose to trust what is not our own truth. When we try to help others without also applying those same things to our very selves, we end up confused over the things that we know we need to do but are more inclined to go from the ego's point of view and see only what our human eyes can see and NOT at all what our soul knows we need dearly..
Abuse survivors...we all learn well from the moment that we are also in the very violent throes of the thing that becomes our lives that we are the ones who will have to bring ourselves back from the hell that we have allowed to enter into and remain as part of our lives, but for the life of us and because of the prevalence of the fear that becomes us we cannot see the truth that is ours to have as our start to our own healing because we are blinded by the thing that eats our lives. The thing that eats our lives is not just the abuse but is also the monster we create within us that wants to strike out at others, because that is what we have been given. This monster was created by us through the constant idea that we believe we must fight for who we are, and we do, but not to the extent that our battered soul, let alone body, wants to do. We want rest. We want normalcy that does not include someone else's version of normal, because someone else's version of normal will not ever fit our lives. Even though we are partnered with other people, even if it is not a romantic partnership, it does not mean that we have to lose ourselves to the thing that they see us as and it never will.
Some folks want to own us, and that will not do because those people don't realize that they are making themselves sicker by NOT paying attention to the things that they see as being "right." Sometimes, we want to be wanted enough by anyone that we are willing to be owned, even if ownership is something that we cannot figure out because on some level we know that we can never be owned, let alone understood, namely by our own selves, if our understanding is something that we will never comprehend because our comprehension of something is ours alone. What is also ours alone is the paying attention of and to this thing that we have been forced into and that we have allowed to remain. When I say that we have allowed it, I do not mean that we allowed someone else to beat us or to emotional batter us. What I mean is that we have allowed the idea that we can heal if we can just get them to see that they need healing, too. What I mean is that no matter what we, as survivors, think and believe, we are held to our own standard of what we view as being Love. We are shown that Love comes from other people, but most of us, until recently, have never thought or believed that our own truth in Love is ours because what is ours is also everyone else's and that what we see with our human eyes is not what we need in our Spiritual Heart.
Our healing comes from within us, from the deepest part of us, from that place which I refer to as being "The Bones of The Soul." Sickness can be realized by looking at the bones and the marrow within the body, because that is where sickness sets in, in the body's framework. When we are not physically robust our bones ache and they do so with an ache that is fiery in nature, stops us cold in our tracks and will not allow us to move until we have addressed the physical nature of what has happened to us Spiritually. This same thing happens to us in our Souls. All ailment is an effect of a ding, of several many dings, to the very soul of us. When we ache, it is in our bones, and when we ail, it is also in our bones. All of our heartaches and all of our past lives can be felt down deep in the very deepest parts of who we are...essentially, in the very Bones of the Soul is where we hurt the most.
Then one day, someone comes along...it can be anyone...a friend, a relative...a crazy pair of Twin-Fishes on either side of the United States...who tells us, sometimes without telling us, that we know there is something not completely okay with us, that we need to look at a thing in a different way and that we need to look at, period, and not avoid anymore. The stories we are and the stories we tell are there and contained within us where also our ability to heal and to feel complete. Our wholeness is not in some bottle of pills, even though that is what a medical doctor might tell us. Our wholeness is not in what other people close to us will do for us OTHER than the acknowledgement that something is just not right with us. Our wholeness is not hinged on what our ego thinks it needs, and our wholeness of being is not dependent on what someone else wants us to believe.
Our wholeness and our healing depends dearly and only on us. There might be other people who will suggest things to us, and there will always be people who will challenge us, but the truth is that to close the Circles that we are part and party to creating, we must see the start of it, because the thought to heal is in the beginning of a thing, where it all starts, and surely, not the ending. The ending is the part of the story that we are all writing, little by little, and is not always what we want, but always and only what we need.
I LOVE YOU ALL !
ROX
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