I have cried probably an ocean's worth of tears. I have cried many more times than I know I cared to, and over people who would not have done as much for me as I have for them, and yes, it hurt. And there are times that, thinking back, it still hurts, and it hurts, not because of anything other than that I thought that quite possibly, what I do for others will come back to me. While I still maintain this thought, what happens when the hurt first happens is that my immediate thinking goes from "why is no one there for me," to "when was I NOT there for you?" So, then, at that point, ensues the tears. Sometimes they were tears cried in anger, and sometimes, sadness, while other times, it was the tears which fell because I was not reciprocated in the manner that I extended my energies to someone else. Even though the things that I have gone through and the things that I still go through, sometimes they suck, they are still needed and they are needed because the tears which fall due to the thing causing them needed to teach me something. In this case, I think I have learned that no more am I to give until I can no longer give anything, til my own expenditure of tears and of heart have been spent, til I have literally nothing left to give.
When there is nothing left to give, there is only one thing that happens, and it is because there is an emptiness, and that emptiness tells the story of the thing that did not show up to fill the void in the manner expected, and without the idea that someone, or something, better will come along and that whatever it is that comes along that is better will absolutely be the thing that will make the tears, the anger and the heartbreak that much easier to deal with. And yes, that one thing is that realization that there are so many other ways to go about a thing, and so many other people who can help each one of us get through whatever it is that we need to get through, and that all it takes is one person to come along and let us know that no matter what, even though someone else might not have thought enough of our feelings, might not have felt as though the thing that meant anything at all to us was not that big of a deal, it does not mean that there is not at all, anywhere, just one person who cares enough about us, at least to let us know that no, it was not us who did them wrong, which in turn made it seem to us that they were doing us wrong.
In the mind of someone who is a survivor, the pain of rejection is still there. We have been and end up being and feeling like we have been used, and we feel this way because the truth is that our abusers DID use us, to the point that we feel like everyone else on the planet is also using us. This is not the truth. The truth is that there is likely something going on in the lives of your loved ones, or at least the people who you have done a whole lot for, and that those things in their lives are taking up a lot of their time, a lot of their effort, a lot of them. It doesn't mean that they would not do what you needed them to if they did have the time, it just means that right now, something is in their lives that is making them not have the time that you think you need them to have.
This is the reality. This is the truth. This is the thing that I have wrestled with and this is the thing that, for years, because someone else told me that it was because I was too stupid to NOT do something for someone else without the expectation of getting something in return, I thought that people just used the hell out of me. While partially, that is the truth - that people who can, will use you if you let them - what is entirely the truth is that sometimes, what we need others to do for us involves other people, and that sometimes, when they let us down it has also let them down in that they cannot give back to us what it was that they received from us, and the worst part about it is that they actually feel badly that they can't. The truth is that sometimes, it is not the answer that we want and neither is it the answer that the other person wants to give us. Sometimes, when it is that we want something so badly, the truth is that there is something else happening and at work and is in our favor even as it doesn't feel like it.
Our tears, they heal us, and if we cry hard enough, we eventually, even though our faces are puffy and even though we feel like we want to hurl, become healed because, our tears, they give show to the thing that is going on inside of us, they give the world a chance to see the thing that is happening to us. We tend to think of the world as a lot smaller when it seems that there is no other way to do something. In reality, there is always another way, always somehow other than the thing that we thought was the only way to do a thing. Whenever it is that we feel like we are being rejected by someone else, it is wise, I have found, to step back and think about what is really going on. We cannot know the truth of someone else, and we cannot know what is their issue at the moment, and for the very life of us we cannot predict the thing that they give us that will either make us or break us in that one moment.In that one moment is the only time that anyone should be affected by an answer, even if that answer is something that we feel would have made things a lot nicer for us.
No matter what we think, the tears that we cry are meant to help us heal, are meant to show us that we are worth the time to think of another way to do something, have something, know something, be something other than in pain. If we are wise we know that we have been given this magical ability to think, to bring change and to soothe ourselves with the thought that there needs to be tears, but that the tears are only there to make us know that there is something wrong, and the tears are there to tell us our own story, and the tears make it so that we have some time to take a thing apart and look at it differently. When we choose to look at something differently and from the point of view of someone else, we find out very quickly that it was never us who was at fault, and sometimes it is not the fault of the other person, and more than that, sometimes that other person has to depend on other people to get them to the yes that we want. It is not their fault. It is not your fault. It might hurt you a lot. It might hurt them a lot. You might not understand why. They might not understand why. It does not have to be something that brings heartaches to you both.
The tears are meant to wash away the hurts, and they are meant to heal our broken hearts and they are meant to remind us that we are all simultaneously powerful and vulnerable. They tell us that even though we might be strong and powerful, at the same time we are also open to feeling how we feel when we are feeling it. They allow us to let go of the pain through the emotional show of tears. The tears give us time to think, and though most people do not use the time to think of another way to feel about something, there is a time in our lives when eventually, we think. We choose to refuse to blame, refuse to feel self pity, and we give in to the idea that now is the best time to start thinking in another fashion.
And that, my friends, is what the tears are meant for....
I LOVE YOU ALL!
ROX
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